Sawyer

I haven't been on here in a long time. My pregnancy with Sawyer was so difficult and the birth and recovery weren't much easier.  And honestly...I haven't been able to sit down and write about it. I had a very hard post partum adjustment after he was born. If I had been honest with myself I would have gotten on some medication...but I lied to myself and told myself I was fine. Thankfully I am fine now and finally...after 7 months since he has been born...I am ready to tell his birth story.

My pregnancy with Sawyer was unexpected.  It took me a solid 3-4 months to finally feel happy about his pregnancy. It was right about the time I had accepted the pregnancy that I started getting sick.  The issues I had with that pregnancy were scary and that combined with the stress of having three kids, being in grad school and working full time was the combination for a perfect storm of depression and anxiety.  On top of that...Jason had started a new medication for his ADHD called Vyvanse that literally changed his personality.  It made him incapable of showing me any support or concern for what I was going through. So as the pregnancy progressed...a void formed in our relationship and I became very angry and resentful.

By the time I hit 39 weeks I just wanted him out.  I wanted my body back and I wanted to feel normal again. And I had convinced myself that the strange migraines I was having would stop once he was born. At this point they were happening a least once a week.  Plus...I had been forced to stay home from work for the last 3 months and I was going crazy.  Working would have been easier than staying home with the kids day in and day out. Anyway...here I am morning of delivery

I felt so huge...so uncomfortable...and so ready to meet this baby and be healthy again.  We got to the hospital at 6am and got stripped down...poked...prodded...and all ready for baby.  I kept trying to be as excited as I was for the others but I just couldn't. Watching it back on video is actually depressing. Jason and I are so detached and I look so unhappy. It makes me sad.  

Just like all of the others...they broke my water and at exactly 2pm that afternoon Jason Sawyer Pfeffer was born weighing 8lbs3oz and 21.5 inches long (I think).  In all the depression and craziness I didn't keep track of his stats.  And sadly...the only pictures I have of the whole thing are the ones I am about to post....

Sawyer is a clone of his daddy...only really pale with blond hair and hazel eyes

My sweet boy. 

This smile took a lot

Day one with Sawyer

The whole experience was surreal.  Jason's mom was there taking inappropriate crotch shots and I had no power to stop it. Jason was focused on everything but me to the point where I had to actually smack him mid labor and tell him to put my leg back in the stirrup thing because the baby was born and he still had my leg hiked up to my chest (Its on the video).  

Sawyer was perfect...pink and so bald. I fell so in love with him and it made the other feelings go away for a little while.  Until Day one.  That whole first day in the hospital was so draining.  I was alone a lot.  I don't even remember where Jason was.  That picture of me holding him...I was trying so hard not to cry...

Then that night....all Jason would talk about is how gross the birth was.  That's all I can say about it because his descriptions humiliated me and to this day I'm still ashamed of the whole experience.  I cried myself to sleep that first night in the hospital.

When we got home. Jason went right back to work. Jason's mom was here but was less than helpful despite her efforts. Not a single person from church called or made us a home cooked meal as is the Mormon cultural custom.  Then...cherry on top of the cake...the migraines kept coming. I ended up having a massive mental breakdown. I'm talking locked in the bathroom crying my eyes out wondering how I am going to survive this meltdown. And I had no one...

I finally got up off of that bathroom floor and made a few key decisions for myself...

1. I was not going to breastfeed because I just couldn't. Not with Ella attacking me every time I tried and not with the depression and pain I was feeling.  Breastfeeding him actually made me feel resentment to the baby and stopping was the best choice for my sanity. 

2. Brenda had to go.  I love my mother in law...but knowing I needed help and getting none and having her there just sitting there...I felt like she was just another person I had to take care of and I could barely take care of myself. Sorry Brenda.  

3.  I had to get Jason off of that medication. It was ruining him and our marriage. Finally... 

4. I had quit my job. Letting that go was so hard. My work as a pediatric nurse was part of my identity. I loved my job and I still get sad thinking about what I gave up.  But I couldn't do it all.  And while I mourned that loss alone...I knew it was right for my family. 

Once I made those choices and decided to just do what I felt was best for me, things slowly got better. But...it has taken the first 7 months of Sawyers life to fully adjust.  I feel guilt and regret about this. Sawyer is my last baby...and most of my memories of his birth are negative and entangled with regret.  But I love him and I do not regret him.  

Life is hard.  My marriage took a hit through all of this...but we are better now and I feel that we both learned a lot about ourselves and each other through this experience.  I found a good neurologist that really listened to me and thankfully has me on a medication that since starting I haven't had a single migraine/episode.  I have fully accepted not working and have adjusted to this new life.  Nothing about it has been easy, but it has been worth it. Sawyer is a blessing and I thank God for him.