Lemons and Lemonade

When life gives you lemons...you make lemonade right?  I struggle with this. My lemonade is always a little on the sour side.  I tend to see a lot more lemons in a situation than I do scoops of sugar.

Recently...my life has been full of what seems to be a lot of lemons and I have been trying desperately to make myself some lemonade...but it is still turning out too sour. 

Big news...we are expecting.

What???  Holy crap!! This is crazy!! Is she insane??? (is that what's running through your head? It's what ran through mine for a brief moment when I first found out)

This should be some pretty sweet lemonade...but it has taken some effort to get there.  Personally, once I push aside all of the worries about time and money, I am really happy about this.  What has been hard are peoples reactions. Maybe these people are stealing my sugar and that's why my lemonade has been so sour.

This was something that wasn't particularly planned...so it has obviously taken some adjustment. I have hesitated to even announce it, but considering this is our 4th baby....6th pregnancy...Im starting to have a hard time keeping it a secret physically. 

10 weeks...Im going to be huge when this is over

So...there it is. Our fourth...and final...baby is due April 16th.

Emersyn or Sawyer...we find out November 21st

What I'm loving are peoples reactions. Only a small handful of people that know have had positive reactions to this news. Thank you for those who have been happy for us and supportive.  Most people...and obviously these are supposed to be my close family/friends because I am just now going "public" with this...have been anything but.  Mostly it's not directly negative...just a lot of silence or stares and the occasional WOW. It just makes me sad that very rarely are people happy.

Believe me this has taken some adjustment on my part, but I can't change it.  I can't make the baby disappear...and I really want this to be a super sweet glass of lemonade moment in  my life...especially since this is the LAST ONE.  I always knew I wanted one more...and this may be sooner than I thought it would be...but I need to be able to be happy about this.  I need to be able to share this news without people judging me. Just be happy for us.  I want to savor every moment of this pregnancy good and bad because it is the last time I will experience this miracle.

I will finish school...I can take care of every single one of my kids...I will be happy...thank you all who voiced concerns about these aspects of my life.  And you better bet my lemonade is going to be sweet. Even if those people in Walmart with all the unwelcome advice look at me with all of my kids and shake their heads.  It may seem crazy...but this is a blessing that started out as lemons but is now my lemonade and I'd like to share it with the people in my life I care about without feeling nervous and anxious about their reactions. 

I am proud of my little family. I know that having that many kids so young in age will be a challenge. But I am up for it and I can handle it.  I just can't handle rude people :) So cheers to this new challenge. I know it will have its sour moments but that's motherhood. Full of sour moments...but the sweet...oh man...there is nothing else like it in this world.

Time is My Enemy

I woke up this morning at 5am in full out panic mode. Heart racing...tears coming...feel like I can't breathe panic mode. 

My little boy is starting Kindergarten. Will he be able to find his class after that first day? Will he know when to get off of the bus on his way home? Are kids going to be mean to him? Will he know how to work his way around the cafeteria? Will he stay my sweet happy incredibly innocent little boy? 

I know I had said in an earlier post that we were going to keep him home this year and start kindergarten a year late, but we ended up changing our minds for a bunch of reasons. Mainly I realized if we did that he would be 19 when he graduated and I really want him to be able to go on a mission when he is 18.  Now...I am having second thoughts. He starts school next Thursday. What the heck happened to summer?!? I feel like time has stolen him from me. I know this is all just first time mommy worries, but MAN...I feel like I'm sending him out to the wolves. This is all way harder than I imagined it would be.

I still see him as this clumsy toddler who from the age of 2 has been in love with Harry Potter.  How is it possible he is old enough to ride a bus, find his class, and spend all day five days a week away from me? I am going to do my best to hold it together next week and be brave...because he is so darn excited....but it's going to be tough. 

I hope school is everything he has been dreaming it would be and that he will always stay my silly sweet little boy....at least until Middle School.

Time for school?? What?!?

Fetus Wars

I never in a million years thought that I would hear myself say...."Layla you have to share that fetus with your sister!"  or "It's Ella's turn to play with the fetus...she will be done with it soon and then the fetus will be all yours."

That has been my morning.

Yesterday we went to the Boone County 4H fair and in the community building there was a group handing out anti-abortion material complete with your very own fetus.

Here it is in all its tiny creepiness

The little thing kind of creeped me out, but Layla fell in love with it...of course. It was her very own teeny tiny....Fetus. The guy called it a fetus when he handed it to us and so from that point on we all had a good laugh about Layla's brand new fetus.  Then this morning happened.

Layla woke up and the first thing she said was, "Mommy I need my fetus."
I was so tired my first thought was...Hold on what?? You want your what?? Then I remembered...

Unfortunately Ella had already claimed our little Fetus for the morning.

Layla was to say it mildy...not happy.  So what did Ella do when Layla lunged for that Fetus screaming in all her crazy glory....Ella shoved that baby fetus in right her mouth and started crawling away as fast as she could.

Layla was completely beside herself

Ella soon lost interest in our little fetus and all became right in the world again

As you can see from Layla's blotchy red face this was quite the dramatic event this morning.  Who knew a little fetus could cause so much trouble at 8 in the morning?
As for my part....I laughed my butt off through the whole thing and each time I had to tell the girls to share the fetus just made my morning.  These ridiculous moments are why I LOVE being a mom.

Decisions Decisions (long post)

Decisions decisions decisions....

I feel like that's all I have been doing lately. Making HUGE life altering decisions.  Decisions that will affect my life and the lives of the members of my family for years to come.  I am not a fan of change.  At all. But as we all know change is inevitable. It is how we handle that change that counts. Well my friends I have not been handling things well. Here are three big decisions I have been faced with...

First there is my dear sweet Jackson. 

Dancing with his Sister :)

That boy just melts my heart.  He turned 5 in February. The natural step in any child's life once they turn five would be to start Kindergarten. Simple. Well that's what I thought and oh boy was I wrong.  Did you know that there are entrance exams to Kindergarten?? Well....neither did I. In public schools they just assess where your kid is and Im assuming mark them down whether or not they will need a little extra help in the year to come. Well...Jason, Nate and I all made the decision together to put Jackson in a private Christian school. I prayed and prayed about this and felt very good about our decision. He had his big assessment in April.  I had no idea how in depth this was going to be. The score was out of 80 points. Jackson scored a 68. To get in, a kid had to score a 70.  Needless to say Jackson was not accepted and I was told he was not ready for Kindergarten and that he would benefit from waiting a year and doing intensive preschool this school year. Ummm....this was a massive mommy fail moment for me. I felt like if I had put him in preschool last year he would have been fine. I had no idea all that was required for freaking kindergarten. I was crushed. And I was faced with the decision...do I hold him back or put him in public school?  A decision that will affect his entire life. Well...his dads were all for holding him back a year so that he could go to this christian school. I was a mess. He will be 19 now when he graduates.  Will he hate me later for holding him back??? The guilt and worry I felt over this decision was incredible. My prayers were so clear that he should go to this school. So why didnt he get in?? I was so torn. In the end the decision was made to hold him back a year. I still have mild anxiety about this. I wish I could just accept the answers to my prayers without questioning everything. I can see so many ways this could be bad, but I cant deny the strong feelings in my heart that this is right.  So...heart 1...brain 0.

Decision two...Should Jason quit his current job and take a new job???

Maybe a new job as an underware model?? lol

Let me just start by saying that I will not be winning any wife of the year awards for this one.  And...I do believe I have lost a significant amount of sleep and hair over this one as well.  Jason has been unhappy with his current job for quite some time. Again after much prayer we decided it was time for him to move on. He applied to many many jobs and finally got an interview for a company called Johnson Controls.  This job would be a Mon-Fri 7a-330p job.  Are you serious??? You mean I would actually have my husband home at night to help with the kids?? And he would be home on weekends so we could actually go on a date?? I wanted to scream TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT! After three interviews, one phone and two in person, Jason was offered the job. We prayed A LOT and felt very strongly that he needed to accept the position. And then here's where I fell to pieces.  The pay will literally be just under half of what he is making now. Insert mental breakdown and freak out session from me here.  I do our budget. I went over things over and over and over again and there was no way I could see this working out. I told Jason....You cant take this job. He was crushed. I told him, like the awesome wife I am, to basically get over it and move on.  Well...the real kicker here was...I couldnt get over it. I cant tell you how many nights I layed awake with guilt about telling him to turn this job down. It felt so wrong. Finally...I decided to go on faith (yes it takes me a few kicks in the pants from the big guy upstairs sometimes to have a little faith) and I called Jason and told him...he had to take this job. Immediately I felt peace....and Ive slept better since. I have no idea how this is going to work out, but I know somehow it will.  I am big on planning. I like to have all answers layed out right in front of me. Well my friends, God sometimes has other plans and this is clearly one of those situations. So here goes me...havin' a little faith. Cheers to that one! :)

Finally...because I am sure anyone reading this is bored of my rambling....I have officially hit looney bin status and have decided to go back to school.

What Ill probably look like by the end of all of this...like a zombie

Thats right folks...this mom of three kids ages 5, almost 3, and 9 months, plus two dogs and two cats, who works 2 nights a week and is in charge of EVERYTHING at home (cleaning, laundry, groceries.....) has decided I just dont have enough going on so Im hitting the books in a desperate attempt to earn my Family Nurse Practitioner license.  Yes...I am officially crazy. Once again...we did pray about this. God must think Im awesome...oooooor He is ready to pick me up as I slowly fall to pieces over the next two years. Ill go with option two here. I was always good at school...but that was before I had kids and I really feel like Ive lost some brain cells in that whole process. Time is not my friend.  But I need to do this. It is part of Jason and I's big master plan. We have a giant 4 year master plan. I love plans. And this one makes me very happy. But...its going to be tough. Honestly though out of all of the decisions we have had to make recently this one was the easiest. I knew at some point I wanted to go back and the time just felt right. And like I said...it fits perfectly into our big plan. Which is what you might ask??  Well....lets see if this school thing works out then Ill fill people in as the pieces fall together. I will just say...if all goes as planned I wont be suffering through many more Indiana winters.

So...now that all these decisions have been made, and now that Ive literally lost 5lbs and half of my hair has fallen out, I just want to say how very grateful I am that I have not had to make any of these decisions alone. I have felt heavenly guidance in every single one of these life altering decisions. And I fought it...tooth and nail...because they were not the plans I originally had in mind.  So here's to taking a chance on faith. Im sure in the end the plans God has for my family will be much grander than the ones I had planned. :)

Refuge from the Storm

"Be positive and the world will be a better place"

When I was a teenager I received a special blessing where I was promised many great things for my life. If I made good choices I was promised an eternal companion, children, happiness. Right smack dab in the middle of this blessing was that quote above. All alone by itself it practically shouted to me.  Be positive Danielle...and this world will be a much better place.

I have struggled to adhere to such seemingly simple advice my entire life.  I am in fact very good at finding the negative in almost any situation.  Its a "special" talent I have.  And as I look back I can see how this has affected my view of my life, my choices, this world that I live in.

The past few weeks have been nothing short of a challenge.  I faced some difficult family situations that were emotionally and physcially exhausting. I got sick...sicker than Ive been in as long as I can remember. I got angry. I let that anger fill my heart and bring me down very low.  Everything became a challenge. Simple things that I enjoy about my daily life were not enjoyable.  I couldnt sleep, wasnt hungry. I let myself become miserable.

All of the things that I was letting get to me were outside of my control. I cannot control my family members. I cannot control being sick.  These things were really bad to go through. I felt pain and great heartache.  But I chose to feel misery.

Life is full of pain. Its how we learn, how we grow.  But through these painful trials in life we have the choice to embrace the misery, or look to hope. To wake up and look around and realize, yes I hurt, but I am also so blessed.

I walked around my house the other day and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I have a clean comfortable little home. Three wonderful children and a husband that loves me.

My angels 

dancing in the kitchen before dinner

We are warm, we are fed, we are comfortable. Now I have to choose to be happy. Be positive, so my world will be a better place for me and for the loved ones I share it with.

Yes being sick sucked. But it forced me to relax. To lay on the couch and read stories with my kids. To forget about the chores and the daily distractions.  And no one noticed the housework that was missed (except me).  I got a break from the daily distractions of a very busy life.

Jack did kind of sort of help out with the chores 

The world is so filled with negativity. The minute we walk out our doors we are slammed with the challenges of a world that is embracing evil.  The news makes me sick.  The phrase to live in the world and not of the world has never been more important.

After this last week I was so desperate for an escape. I am so thankful that that escape came. I was able to go to Time Out for Women with my mom and aunt.  It became the escape I needed. The wake up call to stop dwelling on the negative and be happy....be positive. Every single speaker seemed to speak directly to me. Even down to my challenges Ive had with my calling. I left feeling not just uplifted but loved. Loved by a Heavenly Father that knows me, loves me, and desperately wants to see me happy.  I just need to humble myself and ask.

There are too many good things in my life to let the heaviness of the bad weigh  me down.  I truly am blessed and filled with gratitude and humility. I am so thankful to have been reminded of that this weekend. How lucky and loved I am.

The Big O5

My "baby" turned 5 this week. Its really hard to believe that my sweet little boy is already five. Where did the last five years go?? I can see them when I look in the mirror at my tired eyes and forehead wrinkles...but it has all just gone by so fast. Jackson is such a sweet boy. I have to wonder what good I did in some other life to deserve such a wonderful little blessing. He melts my heart.

Last night Jason and I stayed up and decorated the house for Jack to wake up to for his birthday. We covered his door with paper for him to run through when he woke up. Instead...he crawled under it. Jason told him...dude you run through it. lol. He quickly got the idea.

After breakfast and a few super fun trips to walmart and costco with all three kids and just me (am I crazy or stupid to do that? probably both)...we went swimming at the monon center with Jackson's cousins and some family friends.  The kids had a blast! It was great to be able to go swimming when it is so dang cold outside.

My sweet niece Lilly

Jack and his provocatively posing cousin Liza

Jason, his mini me Layla and sweet Ella

Ella got cold...and overwhelmed

cousin Brody...the oldest of all the kids

me and chubby girl Ella..maybe chubby girls

Jill and her friend Meagan and the only pic I could get of Pookie

The kids all had a blast. I was exhausted after taking all three kids to walmart and costco then swimming with everyone...I was ready to crash. But it was a lot of fun. After, we all came to my house for cake and ice cream. For the last 3 years Jackson has continued to want Harry Potter cakes. This time Walmart out did themselves with this awesome masterpiece.

Hogwarts at its finest

Blow those candles Jack!!

It was pretty tasty too

 Heres us singing oh so beautifully to Jack

So another year down in the books for my sweet boy. I am so proud of the little person he is becoming. This is a big year...soccer...t-ball...KINDERGARTEN! Guess he's not my "baby" anymore. But...tonight when I asked him what his favorite present was he told me it was spending the day with me. He may not be my baby...but he will always be my sweet little boy :).

Polar Plunge 2013

First off I just want to say THANK YOU to all those that donated. We were able to raise $150 for the special olympics. Every little bit helps. :)

So this year we were doing the plunge with my good friends Sherry, Crystal, Colie, Jason, Sherry's husband Jeff, and Sherry and Crystal's brother Eric.  We decided that the girls would wear the ugliest dresses we could find at goodwill and the guys would dress up. Jason wore his entire suit with a tux jacket. Jeff and Eric wore spandex and ties...hilarious! Here a some pics of us at the plunge...

I had worked all night before the plunge so I was exhausted and freezing

Colie and I before we realized how cold it was going to be  and stopped smiling

Jason and my future sister in law :)

Pure hotness lol....later we saw this guy had a twin...priceless

The whole group right before the plunge

Unfortunately there weren't any pics of us going in the water, but here is a little clip of Jas and I running to change.

It was absolutely freezing to the point where I couldnt feel my legs or feet...at all. But we had a ton of fun and were happy to donate to a good cause. I cant say that I will do it again...but we'll see.

Freezin' for a Reason

Jason and I are doing the polar plunge this year to help support the special olympics. Please help sponsor us by  making a small donation. Any little bit will help. Thanks!!

Just click on the link on the side of my blog to donate and it will take you to where you can securely make a donation.

Help me relive this freezing moment for a good cause...and give Jason the chance to experience what its like to jump into icy cold water. This California Boy needs a lesson on what its like to really freeze :)

Humor amid the crazy

This is my life...

All three kids watching Blues Clues...Ella eventually started eating Jacksons foot...Layla never stopped picking her nose...and Jackson is entranced. I wish I could get him that interested in learning his letters.

My days are spent cleaning...cooking...changing diapers...potty training...and breaking up fights.  My head hurts all the time. But humor gets me through. 

The other day Layla was putting a giant pink ball in the baby swing and pretending it was a baby, rocking it ever so gently. Then Jack comes up and yells...YOUR BABY IS BAD! IM GOING TO SPANK IT!! Then he proceeded to slap the ball so hard it flew out of the swing and into the wall. This was quickly followed by high pitched screaming from Layla until she gently picked up her "baby" and softly laid it back in the swing and began to rock it again. Then almost immediately Jackson would spank the "baby" starting the whole thing all over. This repeated itself over and over and over. Irritating....but funny. And that's my life these days. Irritating moments intermingled with humor.  Ahh the life of three kids ages 4, 2 and almost 6 months.

We rarely get out but we make the most of these days because soon my kids will roll their eyes at me instead of thinking I am awesome for making them stuff like this...

You learn to find the humor and joy amid the screaming...destruction...and poopy messes that are my life. And by poopy messes I mean Layla literally coming up to me almost daily with a handful of poop. How do I get her to stop doing that?!?! Seriously...how??

But Jason and I love this messy life of ours. We are grateful....and maybe just a bit insane. Case in point check out these photos of Jason on one of our bored nights together at home after the kids are were in bed.  One of the funnest moments we have had in a long time.
Maybe we should get out more huh? Enjoy.

The many stages of Jason's beard...

Soft, fuzzy and just a bit itchy

the dirty porn star look

I have no words lol

hilter...yikes!

nasty patch of facial pubic hair

finally soft and smooth and looking just a bit like PeeWee Herman

Moments like that keep us sane...or maybe prove our insanity? Who knows...but man I love this life of ours.

Oh the weather outside is frightful...but the kids sure dont care

It may only be 20 degrees outside...but that didnt stop these two crazy kids and their crazy dad from having fun.

Ella and I stayed nice and warm cuddled up at home.