They warn you about post partum blues, depression and even psychosis, but how about post-partum-I-cant-keep-up-with-my-new-life-with-three-kids? Or how about post-partum-I-cant-stand-anyone-around-me?
I wanted every single beautiful child that I have.
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| How could I not love and adore this? |
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| or this?? |
I think the problem stems from my OCD need to have order and a schedule for everything. That my friends is impossible as I am quickly finding out. At any given moment someone is crying, screaming, pooping, peeing, vomiting or needing to eat (myself included in all of the above). I constantly have to remind myself that I am just one person and it is no longer possible to clean the entire house in one day like I did before sweet Ella was born.
I have adjusted. It now takes me 2 days to clean my house...2 days to wash dry and fold all the laundry...and I cant schedule groceries. I just have to go when Jason happens to be home because I cant imagine that chore with all three kids in tow.
I say I have adjusted because each week it gets done. But at the expense of my rapidly waning patience and time. I feel like I dont have enough time...time to play and hug and kiss my kids...time to enjoy life...time to let my husband know I love him. And it is wearing on me where I feel myself getting to the point that I dont enjoy life.
I hate yelling at the kids...I hate being constantly irritated at Jason...but my goodness this new life is tough. I think what has made it even more tough is my insecurities.
I have a lot....
I need someone to notice things...like when I spend all freaking day cleaning my house, I NEED someone to notice and say..."Hey thank you for doing this. I know it must be so hard to get this done with three tiny ankle bitters bugging you all day."
This next need is hard to write. I have a terrible warped self image. I feel fat constantly. I NEED someone to tell me "Hey...good job working on losing that baby weight." I wish I didnt...I wish I loved the way I look...but I dont. I never have and probably never will...but without the encouragement I dont just not like myself...I hate myself.
Normally the lack of recognition for my struggles and hard work doesnt bother me. But when someone comes up to me and says...Hey how pregnant are you 4 weeks after Ella was born...OMG I just want to crawl in my bed and die. Instead I just struggle to eat the whole rest of the day and barely can stand looking in the mirror.
I guess I just need to learn to give myself that encouragment that I feel I lack. I need to be satisfied with my own sense of accomplishment when I finish a weeks worth of chores. I need to learn to be happy instead of having to try so hard to be happy. And I need to learn to like the way I look.
I mean my gosh...I gave birth less than 5 weeks ago. Why cant I give myself a break? Why do I constantly stress and worry about EVERYTHING???
Look how far Ive come....
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| The day I had Ella |
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| Almost 5 weeks later. |
I really do love my family and my life. I feel so ungrateful to complain. But I dont think people understand how hard and isolating it is to be a mommy sometimes. So...to all my mommy friends...Good job doing one of the hardest things in the world...being a mom, a wife, and holding down a household without the appreciation you deserve and most importantly without losing your mind.
Amen sister! I feel ya! ReHang in there you're doing great!
ReplyDeletePS remind me to tell you about the mental break down I almost had grocery shopping w my kids on Saturday :) I laugh at it now but def not funny at the time
I know EXACTLY how you feel!! Thank you for posting this, I'm so glad that I read it!
ReplyDeleteI'd be pissed if someone treated my kids the way I treat myself! I try to keep that in mind. What would I say to my kids if they felt this way?
You are doing great! It takes me way more than 2 days to clean my house and do laundry. It's just a constant never ending thing. :)
Danielle, I am amazed by how great you look! I still don't look that good 9 months after having a baby! (I've already gained around 55lbs with this boy!) And as for chores... I have always been amazed that you've been able to do all yours in one day... or all of them at all! LOL My chores are never done, and it drives me crazy. At lease yours do get done each week. =) And as for baby blues... my dear, I'll be the first to admit that there is absolutely no shame in calling up your doc and asking for a nice low dose of Zoloft or Welbutrin. Every mother goes through crazy hormonal changes, and there's no reason we have to suffer through it any more. Choosing to take Zoloft after having my 2nd babe was one of the best choices I made; I was able to see the positive in things where I otherwise would have been having meltdowns and freaking out about everything being imperfect. And you can bet I've got my script lined up and waiting for me as soon as this baby is born.
ReplyDeleteI hope that some how, some way, you'll start to feel better and more in control of your life again. You are loved, Danielle! And you are beautiful, even if you think otherwise. <3
Hey Danielle, I think many moms feel the exact same way. I know I did (still do!) Post-partum is very difficult. You need to hang around me some more so you realize that you are NOT FAT. I still have a baby bump...my little guy is 7 months old! Yes, people still ask me when I'm due. Very embarrassing.
ReplyDeleteYou've come a long way since I first met you. Remember how blessed you are right now. I know it's not always easy to do. I struggle also. Just keep trying! :)
Danielle!
ReplyDeleteDon't feel alone. We have all been there. Having little kids is just plain hard! I have always thought you were amazing person and have never been able to figure out how to tell you. Now I have moved away so I guess I should now! Whenever I see you, I alway think you are amazing. I hope that I can some day have your strength. You are a perfect example of taking charge of your own life. Even when bad things happen to you, you keep fighting. I am not sure if I could do it. I think you are an amazing person and mom. And you are beautiful! Jason is lucky to have you!
I just reread this and realized I said amazing too many times. Ha! That is what lack of sleep does to you. Instead of amazing I should have said wonderful, awesome, extraordinary, tough, hard working, strong, mom!
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