Baby Blues

Come Thursday my tiny little baby will hit the 5 week mark. I am amazed at how with each child my life seems to keep slipping away from me. Time moves so quickly. So quickly that sometimes I feel like I cant catch my breath...like I am in some never ending race and as tired as I am I cant stop running. 
They warn you about post partum blues, depression and even psychosis, but how about post-partum-I-cant-keep-up-with-my-new-life-with-three-kids? Or how about post-partum-I-cant-stand-anyone-around-me?
I wanted every single beautiful child that I have.

How could I not love and adore this?

or this??

 I do not regret a single thing about choosing to add them to my life. But...that being said...life  post partum has been hard.
I think the problem stems from my OCD need to have order and a schedule for everything. That my friends is impossible as I am quickly finding out.  At any given moment someone is crying, screaming, pooping, peeing, vomiting or needing to eat (myself included in all of the above).  I constantly have to remind myself that I am just one person and it is no longer possible to clean the entire house in one day like I did before sweet Ella was born.
I have adjusted. It now takes me 2 days to clean my house...2 days to wash dry and fold all the laundry...and I cant schedule groceries. I just have to go when Jason happens to be home because I cant imagine that chore with all three kids in tow.
I say I have adjusted because each week it gets done. But at the expense of my rapidly waning patience and time. I feel like I dont have enough time...time to play and hug and kiss my kids...time to enjoy life...time to let my husband know I love him. And it is wearing on me where I feel myself getting to the point that I dont enjoy life.
I hate yelling at the kids...I hate being constantly irritated at Jason...but my goodness this new life is tough. I think what has made it even more tough is my insecurities.
I have a lot....
I need someone to notice things...like when I spend all freaking day cleaning my house, I NEED someone to notice and say..."Hey thank you for doing this. I know it must be so hard to get this done with three tiny ankle bitters bugging you all day."
This next need is hard to write. I have a terrible warped self image.  I feel fat constantly.  I NEED someone to tell me "Hey...good job working on losing that baby weight." I wish I didnt...I wish I loved the way I look...but I dont. I never have and probably never will...but without the encouragement I dont just not like myself...I hate myself.
Normally the lack of recognition for my struggles and hard work doesnt bother me. But when someone comes up to me and says...Hey how pregnant are you 4 weeks after Ella was born...OMG I just want to crawl in my bed and die. Instead I just struggle to eat the whole rest of the day and barely can stand looking in the mirror.
I guess I just need to learn to give myself that encouragment that I feel I lack. I need to be satisfied with my own sense of accomplishment when I finish a weeks worth of chores.  I need to learn to be happy instead of having to try so hard to be happy. And I need to learn to like the way I look.
I mean my gosh...I gave birth less than 5 weeks ago. Why cant I give myself a break? Why do I constantly stress and worry about EVERYTHING???
Look how far Ive come....

The day I had Ella

Almost 5 weeks later.

I can look at these before/after pictures and see the difference...but I dont feel the difference. Does that make sense? Maybe Im crazy. I think I just need sleep...and to feel appreciated and to get encouragement. I hate admitting that because I am incredibly stubborn and just want to do things alone, but I cant do things alone and I need to accept that.
I really do love my family and my life. I feel so ungrateful to complain. But I dont think people understand how hard and isolating it is to be a mommy sometimes. So...to all my mommy friends...Good job doing one of the hardest things in the world...being a mom, a wife, and holding down a household without the appreciation you deserve and most importantly without losing your mind.