Hardest job in the world...

I feel like as a mother that you cant help but question how you are doing or feel overwhelmed that you are inevitably going to screw these poor kids up.  Sometimes I lay in bed unable to fall asleep as I rehash over and over in my head all the ways I made mistakes in my parenting that day.  I worry that they dont know I love them or that they go to bed feeling sad and let down. Jason thinks Im crazy. He rolls his eyes and says...You know Jackson and Layla know you love them. The kids are fine.  Youre a great mom.  But...I cant help but question myself.  All I want is for my kids to be happy and healthy and to feel loved.  Of course no one is perfect and I definately make mistakes but I think I really should give myself a break...and so should most moms. We arent super humans...and I know Im doing the best I can.  I read a really really good article the other day that basically said that as moms we should take the time to enjoy the small moments and not get caught up in trying for perfection.  It brought me to tears.  Here it is...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

My kids are super super clingy. Their biggest fights are about who is sitting on mommies lap and who isnt. They compete for my attention constantly.  This is very overwhelming to me sometimes. I get so desperate for my personal space and feel completely smothered.  I hate taking them shopping because someone is always crying. A few weeks ago a lady actually came up to me and said..."I think someones ready to go" Yeah lady...well I still need groceries to feed them so we will be continuing our shopping. Of course I didnt say this...but I really really wanted to. Instead I smiled and kept shopping.  My kids are also very loud. Happy or sad they are always screaming in some way shape or form. So many times I desperately watch the clock for the precious hour of bedtime so that I can enjoy a few moments of quiet before I pass out.  Even now they are both fighting to sit on my lap as I type this.

I could go on and on and on about all the little irritating hard frustrating and overwhelming moments I face as a mother. But I dont want to be that angry person who resents their kids for taking over all their free time and drives them to the brink of insanity each day.  Honestly, there are days I feel like that angry person...but most days I look at my kids and feel overwhelmingly blessed and my heart fills with joy because I realize...they are happy...they are healthy...and I am doing a good job. 

Yesterday all day I was able to just feel grateful and happy to have my babies.  I was sitting on the couch and they were both sitting on my lap...Jack was playing with my hair and Layla was having me read her a book.  I got so overwhelmed with love for my kids in that moment that it brought me to tears. There will always be days were I want to throw up my hands and scream...and there will always be nights where I cant sleep because I question all the things I did that day as a mother. But I am so blessed to be able to be a mother to these sweet kids and I know Im doing the best I can...and thats all I can do...try my best and just enjoy them.

My blessings

Huge blessing with a side of anxiety and nerves

Im really torn right now. Part of me is so excited and aching to share the news that Ive known since December 9th. But another part of me is so nervous and afraid because of what happened to us in September.  Im really terrible at keeping secrets....especially happy ones...sooo....with a lot of nervous reservations I just wanted to announce to everyone that Jason and I have been blessed with another baby.  We found out we were expecting on December 9th...two months after my D&C.  One thing can be said for the pair of us....we definately dont have any issues getting pregnant...its the staying pregnant part that is tricky.

I was nervous instantly and have been kind of a nervous mess the last 8 weeks.  The feelings are still pretty fresh from our loss in September and I know Im not ready to go through that again. But, everything feels different this time around. For one thing I am sick. This is a first for me. I never got sick with any of my other pregnancies. Apparently this is a good sign that my hormone levels are nice and raging. Also this time around when we got our ultrasound the baby measured exactly how big it should. Last time when we got the 8 week ultrasound it only measured 7 weeks.  

The ultrasound showed a healthy 8 week and 5 day fetus with a loud regular heart beat of 167 and it was moving all over the place. :) That has to be a good sign right?  Id like to say seeing my little bean floating around in there with a nice strong heart beat would be reassuring. But...we had a healthy ultrasound before...and lost the baby between that ultrasound and our next appointment. So...as happy as I am...I am extremely nervous too.  So please...anyone who reads this....say a little prayer for us. We are so happy that we get this blessing in our lives again.  I know many people struggle just to conceive.  I know we are lucky. Im just scared. 

So here we go starting this adventure again.  Last time I wrote that I wanted an easy pregnancy with minimal weight gain and no stretch marks. This time...I just want a health baby. So bring on the pounds and stretch marks. I just want to hold my baby in my arms in August. 

heres my little bean...I keep dreaming of boys...guess we'll find out in a few months