Christmas

I cannot believe that we have reached the end of 2011. I feel like my life has moved into fast forward and I cant find the stop button.  Its kind of cruel that once you have children that life speeds up so fast. I want to slow it down so badly and cherish these moments with my children while they are so small and innocent.  I know that I tend to be a complainer...and it may seem that I complain a lot about the chores and trials of motherhood. But honestly, I love my kids more than anything in this world and each day that goes by I feel my time with them slipping away and that soon I will look up and they will be teenagers and hate me.  I love their innocense and their love for life. Everything is so much more exciting and fun when seen through the eyes of a child.  Thats why I have been trying really hard especially during holidays to make things extra special.  And let me tell you....it can be quite challenging with a 3 year old and a one year old.

This Christmas season I had big plans to do EVERYTHING....see Santa, see christmas lights, go to the christmas at the zoo, make cookies, do family christmas ornaments, have a countdown to christmas...ect ect ect. Crazy huh?? Unbelievably I managed to do most of this. Im not sure if the kids truly loved all of it or will even remember it but I know we had fun and we spent time as a family and Ill have the memories to share with them when they get older if they forget.

We kicked off the season the day after Thanksgiving by putting up all our Christmas decorations.  We blasted christmas music and danced and played and amazingly only broke one ornament while putting everything up.  Here is our finished results....

so pretty

 Eventually all of the ornaments ended up at the top of the tree, but it was still pretty.  Next we ventured out to the mall and Christmas at the zoo to visit Santa. Jackson was so excited this year.  All he would tell Santa was that he wanted a lego Harry Potter castle.  Good thing those things are not in high demand because the poor boy would be crushed if he didnt get one.  The first visit at the mall went really well because we all went up together as a family.

The next visit with Santa....not so much. I wanted to get a pic of just the kids with Santa. I knew that Layla was not going to like this at all so I told the lady....just take the picture as fast as possible.  I felt like the worst mom in the world but the picture is great and she will laugh at it later.

kind of blurry but you get the idea

Next we tackled the homemade Christmas ornaments. I really want this to be a family tradition so that we can eventually cover our tree with memories and stuff from the kids childhood.  This year I was very surprised how great they turned out. I put their handprints on ornament balls and then drew snowmen on their fingers with a permanent marker. The kids had so much fun getting messy and it turned out just like I hoped they would.

 Along with the homemade ornaments I decided to get super crafty this year and make my own christmas cards.  This proved to be quite difficult and time consuming so if you didnt get one...sorry. I only had the patience to make ten of these suckers and it was the first....and last....time I will attempt homemade cards. So if you got one...feel special :) Next year Ill stick to the photo card and call it a day. But...despite the hard work I think they turned out nice.

We had two countdowns to Christmas. One was a really cute Santa Claus that each day we added a cotton ball and when his beard was full we would know he would be coming that night. The next one was a Christmas chain and each link of the chain had a scripture about Christ or from the Christmas story in the bible that we would read each night until Christmas Eve.  I really wanted to teach Jackson the true meaning of Christmas. It is so hard when Santa is so much more fun exciting to a three year old. One night he looked at me after we had read our scripture for the night and said. So mommy...Christmas is Jesus' birthday right? So Santa can bring him a present!! He said this with so much excitement and enthusiasm like it was the best idea in the world. I love him.  I guess he kind of got the point of the meaning of Christmas....better luck next year I guess.

It wouldnt be Christmas if you didnt get to dress your kids up in super cute outfits to show off to everyone at church how adorable your kids are.  Jackson loved his little vest and tie get up but for Layla her outfit was torture.  She looked so cute though! I made the mistake of buying a size 24 month dress instead of 2T. You might not think there is much difference there, but there is. I had to squeeze her chubby arms into that dress and it was pretty tight around her waist but I was determined to get her in it for just one Sunday.  I got a few pictures but she wasnt being very cooperative. Enjoy.

So after all this fun and excitement Christmas Eve finally came. We celebrated our family Chrismtas on Chrismtas Eve since Jackson shares the holiday with his dad.  We laid out cookies for Santa and tucked the kids into bed.  At the lovely hour of 630am  we were up to screams of delight as Jackson realized Santa really had come.  Layla was not a fan of being woken up that early, but she warmed up to the idea of Christmas once gifts started getting passed around. Here's a little clip of our morning...

Overall it was a good Christmas. The kids got more than enough presents, we ate good food, and spent time with people we love. I cant believe it is over already.  I truly hope that I gave my kids more than just presents and yummy treats this year. I hope I gave them memories and joy and maybe even taught them a little about what Christmas truly means. So here's to another year. Let the memory making being.

Layla

So Im finally getting time to myself to sit and write thanks to my wonderful husband. He has worked 30 hours the last two days but still he comes home and tells me to sit down and relax while he does the dinner dishes and takes care of the kids. Either I look completely worn down and exhausted or he's just amazing....Im going to say both. I love him so much.

Anyway...on to the story of my second little miracle baby. I say miracle because unfortunately Ive suffered miscarriages in the past so every live healthy birth to me is a miracle. Also...where I work makes me really appreciate the health of my children.  

Jason and I had only been married a few months but decided to go ahead and try for a baby. I didnt want there to be a big age difference between Jackson and any child Jason and I had. I figured it would take at least a few months. Boy was I wrong.  I had just finished my last official round of birth control pills and was waiting for my period to start.  It was the year of the swine flu. I heard about it on the news, online, at work...everywhere. It was a weekend and I felt awful....high fever, achy muscles and then my neck got so stiff I couldnt move it.  I freaked....and went to the ER assuming that I for sure had the swine flu.  The nurse asked me if I was pregnant and I told her no that I just barely stopped taking my pills this month.  She decided to have me take a test anyway and sure enough...it was positive. I was shocked! Because I was also sick they hooked me up to an IV to give me some fluid. Well the nurse starting my IV got blood  everywhere. Jason comes walking in and Im wearing a mask, in a hospital gown, with blood everywhere. His facial expression was priceless. I think he thought I was dying from the look on his face.  Then before he can talk the doctor comes in with the results of my blood test saying Congratulations! with a huge smile on her face. Jason then got very very confused. When he realized what was going on he just laughed. We were both so shocked and it was just a crazy experience. Most expensive pregnancy test ever.

The pregnancy with Layla was even easier than Jacksons...up until the last trimester. I never got nauseous and I never threw up.  But starting about 36 weeks I started to swell....and it wasnt your normal mild fluid retention that most pregnant women get. My legs looked like massive tree trunks up to my knees. By the end of the day I had pitting edema that never went away.  I couldnt wear any shoes and forget my wedding ring. Then one Sunday afternoon I was laying on my moms couch and I fell asleep. When I woke up everyone sounded very far away when they were talking.  I looked up and I couldnt see. When I stared at someone all I saw was half of their face.  Then I noticed my entire left side of my body was numb from my face all the way down to my toes. At this point Im starting to freak out a bit.  I called to Jason and tried to ask him to get me water but  I couldnt say the word water. It was so frustrating. I could think it all I wanted but the words wouldnt come out.  Jason wanted to take me to the ER but stubborn me said I just wanted to sleep it off and Ill be better tomorrow. Well...I was right...I did feel better but I was more swollen than ever.

this was before the swelling so just picture me this huge everywhere...not just belly

I went in to my 37 week appointment excited to be told I was dilated and had high hopes that they would direct me straight to labor and delivery. I felt miserable. So I go in and they tell me the worst...I was completely closed...not dilated at all....baby girl was laying transverse and there was protein in my pee.  I bawled.  They were talking scheduling a version and induction and if that didnt work a c-section.  I left that appointment so defeated and miserable.  Then that night I had another horrible headache episode. We called my doctor and she ordered a 24 hour urine. She was skeptical because my blood pressure always stayed in the 90s and typically if I you are preeclamptic your blood pressure spikes.  I didnt even make it home after I turned that bucket of pee in before she called telling me to go on strict bedrest until they could induce me three days later.  I was so happy. I felt so so so so sick that all I wanted was to get her out.  My doctor was shocked at the level of protein in my pee.  Thank God for that 24 hour urine test.

I went in to be induced at 5am on Friday May 28th, 2010.  I was so excited I literally didnt sleep the night before.  I got all hooked up and ready to go and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I was already dilated to a three.

Early early in the morning ready to get started

this was after they broke my water...the lack of sleep is wearing on me

Right before time to push

 At 8am they broke my water and I got my epidural and then at 1pm my baby girl was born in just four rounds of pushing.  Fast...and painless....just the way I like it. She was a perfect 7lbs 10oz and 21.5inches long.

perfect and pink

 I held her in my arms and said her name and Ill never forget how she looked right up into my eyes.  There is something so special about those first few moments that only a mother can understand.  All the waiting and pain and frustration is forgotten in that sweet moment in time. 

my sweet baby girl

Layla was and is a wonderful baby. She only cries when she wants something but she for sure lets her opinion known. She is fiesty and funny and beautiful. I see so much of her dad in her.  I love her so much. Its amazing how much you love your children. Its almost painful. I look at her and I want to give her the world but protect her from it at the same time. Being a mother is one of the most rewarding, but hard and scary things Ive ever done and will ever do in my life. Ive been given the gift to raise this beautiful little girl with so much spunk and personality. Her fearlessness scares me so much. I hope with all my heart I can teach her to be everything she needs to while allowing her to be herself.  She is everything Ive ever dreamed my little girl would be. Her daddy and I are so blessed.

my sweet hubby and our baby girl

A second chance at love

When you grow up Mormon, and a girl, having a husband and kids seems like the fairy tale dream come true.  You picture the perfect husband and perfect little family living in the perfect little house. As a teenager, you obsess about this. Every potential date could possibly be a potential husband.  If you go to a Mormon college like I did for one year....those girls' sole purpose in life is to make that fantasy a reality. Growing up I really did think I was going to marry my long term high school boyfriend. We were crazy in love....and looking back on it, it really was crazy. Back then I was in love with my emotions and the excitement of a boy loving me. I wasnt really in love with the person.

Can you find me? Check upper right corner. See the guy to next to me? Yeah...man of my dreams at the time right there :) Oh how time changes us.

At the Mormon college I went to I got really turned off by the Mormon girls dream of marriage so I rebelled.  I refused to date much because I told myself I would not be one of those girls seeking out an MRS. degree. I thought of these girls as pathetic and weak with no sense of self. They needed a man to define them...and not just any man....a return RM AND eagle scout.  Those girls in Idaho dream big.  My attitude was terrible as you can see and eventually got me suspended so I took matters into my own hands and applied to Purdue, got accepted, then told my mom I wanted to go there. Little did I know that it would be at the big bad non-Mormon school that I would fall into the same trap that all those girls in Idaho fell into.

I had never dated anyone before Jackson's dad that had already been on a mission so I had never even considered what I would do if someone actually asked me to marry them.  We dated a few months, he asked me to marry him, and the fantasy of married life and love and children hit me hard....I said yes...at  the wise age of 19 years old.  I was so naive and way to young to make a decision like that. Like many things in my life...I should have listened to my mother.  My immaturity and youth and his addictions and own immaturity (he was only 21) made for a rough start and a rough almost six years of marriage.  It really was an unfair relationship for both of us. I was by no means ready for marriage at that young of an age. I had no idea how hard marriage is. I dont want to go into details of what led to the end of that first marriage. I have a special letter written for Jackson to explain all of that.  It was a sad thing for all involved. Ultimately the fantasy was just that...a fantasy. I dont regret that first marriage. If anything it has helped prepare me and helped me to really appreciate my marriage now. Everything happens for a reason even if at the time we have no idea why.

Jason and I met in September of 2008. I was depressed and lonely so I thought it would be funny to check on some online dating websites. I googled to see if there were any mormon ones and WOW there were a ton. I picked LDSmingle.com. It was a completely random decision.  The very day I got on there I met him.  I saw his picture...its one where he is on top of Kong at the amusement park he worked at as an electrician and I sent him a message because he was cute...thats it.  He wrote back and the rest is history.  We spent months every two weeks taking turns flying back and forth to see each other. This was a very expensive way to date and I dont recommend it.

Heres the pic I mentioned...cute huh?

Jason was unlike any guy Id ever met. He was so so so goofy.  I thought this was just an over the top act until I met his family. He has been this way his whole life and God love him for it.  You know how I said everything happens for a reason?  If I hadnt known the bad...I would have been easily irritated and annoyed and stopped dating him the first time I realized this was him....all day....every day.  But because I went through a marriage of lying and deciet...his openness and honesty and kindness became what I fell in love with and I could look past the little annoyances.  Jason is the most sincere genuine person I have ever met. He would do anything for anyone.  He works harder to support his family than anyone I know because he loves us.  I dont have to question his love or his honesty.  He is one of the few people Ive met in my life that does not pretend to be someone he is not. And Ill take it. All those girls that gave him up because of his hyperactivity missed out on someone that would treat them like they are his whole world.  I thank God for him. And Im thankful for the hard times I went through with Jacksons dad so that I could really appreciate Jason and who he is.

Our engagement pic :)

 We were married June 19, 2009 in Genoa, Nevada at a beautiful hot springs resort.  It was very small and intimate and I loved every minute of it. A year after that on July 31, 2010 we were sealed in the Nauvoo, Illinios temple.  I cant explain in words how that day felt.  As Jason and I were in that room holding our baby, she was so tiny...Ill never forget how as the words were being spoken that would seal us together as a family forever....she looked up and smiled at us. That moment was as special to me as the day she was born.  Looking around seeing all our family there with us in white...I imagine that will be what heaven is like.  

our wedding pic in Nevada

I cant imagine spending my life and raising my children with anyone other than Jason. Our relationship is not perfect, but we respect each other and love each other completely.  I am so grateful for what I learned so that I can appreciate this relationship and not take it for granted.  The fantasy I had as a child never did come true. Marriage is not a fairy tale.  It is hard. But like most really great things in life, if you put in the work and effort it can be better than what you dreamed.

The family I always wanted with all its imperfections

Jackson

I woke up from a decent sleep the other day with this panicked feeling that I need to start writing things down. You may think....you are....you started this blog. Well it was more the feeling that I need to write down important events like the birth of my children and my wedding while I still have solid details of those things in my mind so that later when my mind might not be so quick to remember I can go back and read about it.  So right now as all my babies are sleeping I am going to begin these series of posts starting with Jackson.

Jack was a very wanted baby.  I always knew growing up that I wanted children. I got married to Jack's dad in 2002. I was barely 20 years old and still in school and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was in love with the idea of marriage and love. Our relationship was hard from the beginning. I  dont want to go into details but it took us a long time to feel comfortable to start trying for a family.  In 2006 we decided to go ahead and try. I found out I was pregnant in January. Unfortunately I lost that baby.  But I was lucky and found out I was pregnant again in June 2007.  

Im close to 6months pregnant here and remember thinking I was so huge

My pregnancy with Jackson was easy.  I only threw up twice and both times were my fault.  I drank orange juice without eating both times. Dumb dumb dumb.  My only complaint throughout it all was the massive heartburn I got all nine months. Thank goodness that went away after he was born.  I loved feeling him move inside me.  I would lay in bed and just watch and feel him move around....it made me so happy.  Naturally I was anxious to meet him and by the third trimester done and ready to get him out. 

I was 37 weeks 3 days and one week away from finishing working until the baby came.  I worked full time night shift which was almost unbearable.  I was huge and awkard and so tired.  I went into my Thursday night shift and got started. Around 11pm I was walking to my patients room when someone walked past me going pretty fast and bumped into me as I went by.  I very dramatically...and very ungracefully....fell to the floor. I remember in my head thinking OMG this is so embarrassing please please please at least let me be able to get up.  It wasnt pretty....I took a few unbalanced steps on my way down, hit my knees, and then smacked my hands loudly on the floor drawing attention from everyone. This very eloquent man yelled...Hey that big pregnant lady just fell! Thank you sir...I dont think anyone noticed......

My charge nurse wanted to send me home but I was too embarrassed and too stubborn so I refused and said I was fine. And really besides my knees being bruised up I felt fine....just embarrassed.  So I worked out my shift and got home around 830am.  I was all tucked in and getting ready to sleep when I noticed I was contracting and they hurt so I timed them....four minutes apart. Again...stubborn me convinced myself that I would be fine until my appointment later that day so I went to sleep.  At around 11 I woke up feeling like I was peeing the bed. SERIOUSY??? PEEING THE BED?? Thats what I was thinking at the time. So I fling my huge body off the bed and as soon as I stand up.....WHOOSH...my water broke...everywhere. Now my doctor had just told me that only 10% of womens water break naturally and to expect a light trickle. Man was I cursing her in my head as I sat in the bathroom unable to get off the toilet because water kept gushing out. I had the illogical thought that Jack was going to die because there couldnt possible be any more amniotic fluid left. So I jumped up...grabbed one of his newborn diapers (its all I had)...and called my mom. She was closer than Nate at the time.

Just getting comfy at the hospital....nice bangs huh?

A long story made just a tiny bit shorter...I got to the hospital around noon and walked and walked and walked only being dilated to a 1.  So...at 11pm they started pitocin and gave me an epidural and prepped me for the possibility of a c-section since I was still only a 1.  I went to sleep and at 1am woke up feeling all kinds of pressure. Me not knowing what giving birth felt like called the nurse to complain about my foley catheter that they had anchored.  She gasped and said I was at 10cm and to not push because Jack was pretty much crowning.  The doc came in...I pushed maybe 4 times and he was born...perfect....pink...all ten toes and fingers.

On February 29, 2008 my little boy came screaming into the world weighing 6lbs 7oz and 19.5 inches long. I fell in love with him the second I looked into his blue eyes.

That little baby gave me strength to get through some very rough times in my life that were short to come after he was born. I truly believe that I wouldnt have made it through had I not had him to live for.  He is everything I could ever want in a little boy. He is smart, inquisitive, sweet natured and always wants to try to do good things.  He's not perfect...what toddler is? But he is pretty close in my book.  I thank God everyday for him and pray that He will guide me to raise him to reach his full potential in this life. 

So handsome