Surgery and California

The last few weeks have been full of very low lows and high highs.  On the 8th I had my D&C.  That was....awful.... The drugs were good. I didnt remember anything after I crawled onto the OR table. I remember them putting oxygen on my face and then waking up. But when I woke up I felt empty....in every way it is possible for a person to feel empty. I purposely ranked my pain high so they would give me more medicine to try to get this emptiness to go away.  It didnt help...   Then for nights after over and over I had the same recurring nightmare where I wake up on the operating table right at the moment they pull the baby and all the other stuff out of me... I wake up from these dreams sobbing. Thank goodness they have finally stopped...but the emptiness is still here.  I am working on being happy...getting into a routine...feeling normal. It is really really hard.

This past week we went to California to visit Jason's family.  I love Jason's family. We only get to see them once a year and we've had this planned since last December.  But as much as I love them this trip was hard for me.  I know Im depressed.  Im sorry if I offended anyone out in Cali for my antisocial behavior. It was just really hard to play the happy role when I feel so sad in my heart.  But I couldnt not go...Jason loves and misses his family so much and I hate that I took him away from them...so I could never in a million years miss that trip and take away his one week out of the whole year that he has with his family.

Even though I was sad...I still had a good time. I love love love my Pfeffer family. They are all so outgoing and silly and fun. Everything I wish I could be.  I have always felt so welcome there and loved...from the very first time I met everyone.  Thank you for that :) And for always loving Jackson. That means so much to me.

Here are some pics of our fun with our Cali family :)

Layla insisted on sitting behind Jack the WHOLE plane ride :)

naked cousins :)

All the Pfeffer kids..+ sig others and Fred

At the Jelly Belly factory. It smelled sooo good

kissing cousins

First time in four years they have all been together :)

Silly Pfeffers

Good Ole' Fred

hee hee

fun at the zoo

I am so glad Jason and I were able to take this trip despite everything that has happened to us recently.  Family is everything and we miss everyone out in california so much. Next September cant come soon enough :)