Surgery and California

The last few weeks have been full of very low lows and high highs.  On the 8th I had my D&C.  That was....awful.... The drugs were good. I didnt remember anything after I crawled onto the OR table. I remember them putting oxygen on my face and then waking up. But when I woke up I felt empty....in every way it is possible for a person to feel empty. I purposely ranked my pain high so they would give me more medicine to try to get this emptiness to go away.  It didnt help...   Then for nights after over and over I had the same recurring nightmare where I wake up on the operating table right at the moment they pull the baby and all the other stuff out of me... I wake up from these dreams sobbing. Thank goodness they have finally stopped...but the emptiness is still here.  I am working on being happy...getting into a routine...feeling normal. It is really really hard.

This past week we went to California to visit Jason's family.  I love Jason's family. We only get to see them once a year and we've had this planned since last December.  But as much as I love them this trip was hard for me.  I know Im depressed.  Im sorry if I offended anyone out in Cali for my antisocial behavior. It was just really hard to play the happy role when I feel so sad in my heart.  But I couldnt not go...Jason loves and misses his family so much and I hate that I took him away from them...so I could never in a million years miss that trip and take away his one week out of the whole year that he has with his family.

Even though I was sad...I still had a good time. I love love love my Pfeffer family. They are all so outgoing and silly and fun. Everything I wish I could be.  I have always felt so welcome there and loved...from the very first time I met everyone.  Thank you for that :) And for always loving Jackson. That means so much to me.

Here are some pics of our fun with our Cali family :)

Layla insisted on sitting behind Jack the WHOLE plane ride :)

naked cousins :)

All the Pfeffer kids..+ sig others and Fred

At the Jelly Belly factory. It smelled sooo good

kissing cousins

First time in four years they have all been together :)

Silly Pfeffers

Good Ole' Fred

hee hee

fun at the zoo

I am so glad Jason and I were able to take this trip despite everything that has happened to us recently.  Family is everything and we miss everyone out in california so much. Next September cant come soon enough :)

Everything happens for a reason right?

Today is one of those days where you just want it to be over...or wish it had never happened. We went to the doctor today for my 10 week check up with the nurse practitioner. Everything was going fine...until she tried to doppler the heartbeat. When she couldnt find it I was nervous...but it is still kind of early so I figured the ultrasound would show it just fine.  She brought in the bedside ultrasound and looked around for a while...the baby was there but even I could see there was no little flicker for a heart beat.  She insisted it was just her lack of skill with the ultrasound machine so she sent me into the actual ultrasound room and went and got Doctor Priddy.  She did two ultrasounds...one regular one vaginal....no heart beat. The baby measured 9 weeks 3 days....   It was so hard to sit there and see its little head and body on the screen but not see a heartbeat.

My heart is heavy and the thought of starting all over is daunting. This isnt my first miscarriage so if we do get pregnant again Ill be so scared of losing it.  I hate that fear.  When I told Jackson what happened he said "Mommy dont cry...the baby is in heaven with Jesus." What a wonderful little man I have. I am so very very thankful for the two beautiful amazing children that God has blessed me with. I know all things happen for a purpose and if this is God's will I accept it. Im thankful for my sweet little boy for giving me the right perspective. I really am so blessed with the family I have and I am sure at some point we will be blessed with another child when the time is right. Thanks to everyone who knows for their love and support. Jason and I really do appreciate it.