smiles and laughs....well here come the tears...

This past weekend I had a really rough time. My emotions were everywhere. I would like to say this is all pregnancy related...but who knows. Sometimes I just get in these moods even when Im not pregnant where I just get really down on myself and where my life is.  I think the real downfall started at work and then just sped out of control from there. 

I work at one of the best childrens hospitals literally in the country.  On most days I really love what I do. I work in the intensive care unit so the kids I see are typically very sick.  This week I was scheduled to work on Friday and Saturday night two twelve hour shifts in a row. Friday I slept decent all day so I didnt anticipate having any issues that night at work. Boy was I wrong...by 3am I could barely keep my eyes open. I had that nauseous miserable feeling you get when you are too sleep deprived.  I dealt with this until 730 when it was finally time for me to go home. I was so relieved to be leaving and looking forward to going to bed until I actually got home. The house was a mess. I had actually asked Jas to please make things would be picked up before I got home because I get anxiety and cant sleep if its not...but it was a wreck. That was my breaking point.  I cracked. And yelled...and cried...and yelled some more. Then I couldnt fall asleep because I felt so awful for yelling and hurt that the house was completely destroyed while I work so hard during the week to clean it. I finally fell asleep and then get woken up at 2p by a phone call.  Great... People just dont understand a night shifters schedule. So...I was up and would be for the rest of another long night at work.

This last night turned out to be awful.  I was still feeling emotional for losing my cool about everything at the house and everything was making me cry.  I got myself together by the time I parked the truck at work but I physically felt run down. Then a code happened right at shift change and that left me taking care of a baby that had passed during the day in addition to my other patient. Emotionally I just couldnt handle this. Ive only actually sent a patient to the morgue one other time and it was two years ago so the process was muddy to me.  I needed help because just looking at the baby would send me into tears and the thought of putting it in a body bag made me nauseous.  Thankfully someone was able to help me and I got the job done but I was spent at that point and just wanted to go home so badly.

Its hard to write about the rest of the night and why it was bad but to sum it up I guess a lot of times I find myself feeling very alone and outside of the social loop at work...and even at church. Its kind of always been this way. I grew up feeling very shy and awkward and I guess thats never really left me.  Most nights I can just read my book and the lack of comraderie from my coworkers doesnt bother me. But after the way I felt that night it hit me really hard.  I left work feeling like such a loser...just as awkard and socially handicapped as I was when I was a kid.  Ive never had a lot of friends...and I still dont. I honestly cant say I have anyone outside of my family aside from maybe 2 people that I confide in and trust. Whats wrong with me? Why do I repel people? Why have I never been able to fit in with any "group"? I left work crying feeling so sorry for myself.

I went to bed...slept a few hours before Jason picked me up and still was feeling depressed.  He asked if I was okay...I just lied and said I was tired. I was embarrassed I even let something like this get to me so much.  Then I got to my moms. We were celebrating my sisters 27th birthday.  The kids were loud...the adults were annoyed....it was pure chaos. But I was so happy. These people...they dont judge my past poor choices or criticise me when talking to other people. I know without any doubt they love me and I can trust them.  I dont need "friends" to make me feel good. I have family.

After dinner Jason and I took the kids to the park. The weather was gorgeous.  On the way there I leaned in and gave Jason a kiss and told him how much I loved him. Jack was in the back and he piped up and said "Oh...thats so nice" :) And you know what? It really was. And I love my little family. And I love that I am a mother and a wife and I do have a best friend...Jason. And Im lucky to have him for forever.  Anything and anyone else doesnt matter.  Work is work...people are people...but my family is forever and I cherish every  moment that I am lucky enough to spend with them.

My loves :)