smiles and laughs....well here come the tears...

This past weekend I had a really rough time. My emotions were everywhere. I would like to say this is all pregnancy related...but who knows. Sometimes I just get in these moods even when Im not pregnant where I just get really down on myself and where my life is.  I think the real downfall started at work and then just sped out of control from there. 

I work at one of the best childrens hospitals literally in the country.  On most days I really love what I do. I work in the intensive care unit so the kids I see are typically very sick.  This week I was scheduled to work on Friday and Saturday night two twelve hour shifts in a row. Friday I slept decent all day so I didnt anticipate having any issues that night at work. Boy was I wrong...by 3am I could barely keep my eyes open. I had that nauseous miserable feeling you get when you are too sleep deprived.  I dealt with this until 730 when it was finally time for me to go home. I was so relieved to be leaving and looking forward to going to bed until I actually got home. The house was a mess. I had actually asked Jas to please make things would be picked up before I got home because I get anxiety and cant sleep if its not...but it was a wreck. That was my breaking point.  I cracked. And yelled...and cried...and yelled some more. Then I couldnt fall asleep because I felt so awful for yelling and hurt that the house was completely destroyed while I work so hard during the week to clean it. I finally fell asleep and then get woken up at 2p by a phone call.  Great... People just dont understand a night shifters schedule. So...I was up and would be for the rest of another long night at work.

This last night turned out to be awful.  I was still feeling emotional for losing my cool about everything at the house and everything was making me cry.  I got myself together by the time I parked the truck at work but I physically felt run down. Then a code happened right at shift change and that left me taking care of a baby that had passed during the day in addition to my other patient. Emotionally I just couldnt handle this. Ive only actually sent a patient to the morgue one other time and it was two years ago so the process was muddy to me.  I needed help because just looking at the baby would send me into tears and the thought of putting it in a body bag made me nauseous.  Thankfully someone was able to help me and I got the job done but I was spent at that point and just wanted to go home so badly.

Its hard to write about the rest of the night and why it was bad but to sum it up I guess a lot of times I find myself feeling very alone and outside of the social loop at work...and even at church. Its kind of always been this way. I grew up feeling very shy and awkward and I guess thats never really left me.  Most nights I can just read my book and the lack of comraderie from my coworkers doesnt bother me. But after the way I felt that night it hit me really hard.  I left work feeling like such a loser...just as awkard and socially handicapped as I was when I was a kid.  Ive never had a lot of friends...and I still dont. I honestly cant say I have anyone outside of my family aside from maybe 2 people that I confide in and trust. Whats wrong with me? Why do I repel people? Why have I never been able to fit in with any "group"? I left work crying feeling so sorry for myself.

I went to bed...slept a few hours before Jason picked me up and still was feeling depressed.  He asked if I was okay...I just lied and said I was tired. I was embarrassed I even let something like this get to me so much.  Then I got to my moms. We were celebrating my sisters 27th birthday.  The kids were loud...the adults were annoyed....it was pure chaos. But I was so happy. These people...they dont judge my past poor choices or criticise me when talking to other people. I know without any doubt they love me and I can trust them.  I dont need "friends" to make me feel good. I have family.

After dinner Jason and I took the kids to the park. The weather was gorgeous.  On the way there I leaned in and gave Jason a kiss and told him how much I loved him. Jack was in the back and he piped up and said "Oh...thats so nice" :) And you know what? It really was. And I love my little family. And I love that I am a mother and a wife and I do have a best friend...Jason. And Im lucky to have him for forever.  Anything and anyone else doesnt matter.  Work is work...people are people...but my family is forever and I cherish every  moment that I am lucky enough to spend with them.

My loves :)

Here we (me literally) grow again :)

So Im sure if you've looked at all on my blog you've seen the little tickers on the side that show that I am pregnant. Well today it became more real because Jas and I had our first ultrasound.  Now this is my third go around so you'd think Id be a relaxed pro at all of this stuff by now. But, like all the times before I went into this appointment nauseous with worry. I worry about three main things... 

1. that there will be no heart rate 

2. that there will be more than one 

3. that something will be glaringly wrong and we'll get that long silent moment from the tech and she'll say she has to go and get the doc

Thankfully none of the above happened. Our little lima bean was measuring just under an inch in length and had a strong steady heart rate of 159. Here he/she is :)

Im so grateful for the chance to be a mom to another precious baby.  The worrying will never stop, mostly because of where I work, but the worry and exhaustion that comes with being pregnant will all be worth it once I can hold this little baby.  

So...here we go again :) Im a little nervous about how Ill handle three little ones but Im also excited for the adventure and the chance to raise three little kids that will be close in age that can grow up together and really love playing and fighting together.  So here's hoping for a fast, pain free, nine months with minimal weight gain and no stretch marks. Hey...a girl can dream right?

 

Fun at the fair

This past Wednesday Jas and I took the kids to the State fair.  At first Jason and I were so exhausted that we had discussed maybe skipping it this year, but Jack must have overheard us talking about it because he quickly ran into our room yelling NO MOMMY NO I HAVE TO SEE THE ELEPHANT.  So Jas and I put on our big girl and boy pants...sucked it up...and found the energy to make it to the fair.  And I am so glad we did because the weather was perfect, the kids had so much fun, and it was so nice to just spend time together just me Jas and the kids.  Life gets so busy and hectic that it's easy to overlook the fun times. We get so tired and stressed out with bills...work...life. I am so thankful for these fun times with my babies because before I know it they'll be older and I'll be begging them to spend time with me instead of the other way around.  Lots of pics to follow. Enjoy :)

gotta love fair food

jas lovin' his corn

scrunchy nose :)

he fell flat on his butt shortly after this was taken

boat racing at the boyscout area

so excited for the elephant ride

jas got him a little sling shot

being nice and sharing with his lil sis

so handsome

jack looks like such a big boy here

we let him pick two rides only....it was so expensive

ridin' the big rig

the main reason i came to the fair :)

Jas loved the funnel cake too :)

ready to head home

In light of recent events I just wanted to add that my thoughts and prayers are with anyone that was affected by the tragedy of the stage collapsing last night. I cant imagine what the family and loved ones of those involved are feeling right now. My heart breaks for all of them.

Chuck E Cheese...Where a kid can be a kid and a parent can lose their mind

Here she is...isnt she cute?

So...all summer my 11 year old sister spends a few days each week at my house during her break from school. I actually love this because she is so helpful and I like spending time with her. Today was her last day to come over before school starts again. :( Sad for me...but exciting for her since it's her first year in middle school. (Poor girl doesnt know whats coming) Anyway, since it was her last day I let her pick anywhere in all of Indianapolis that she would like to go today. And she picked....drum roll please.....CHUCK E CHEESE!! Jack squeelled with delight....my heart sank. Dont get me wrong...I love that they have so much fun. But that place is pure chaos and Im probably paranoid...but I have an irrational fear that I will lose one of my kids or that someone will take them. Even with their little hand stamp system...come on...they dont really even check the numbers. But since it was her choice for the days activity to Chuck E Cheese we went.

Hand sanitizer at the ready...diaper bag packed full of spare diapers and clothes in case the inevitable happened where one or both of the kids peed their pants (in Laylas case through her diaper and on her clothes)...coupons printed...and we were off. Both kids completely passed out on the drive...thank you Lord! This was a good sign...meltdowns would be warded off by this 30 min cat nap. We arrived...no one argued about the food we ordered, tokens were divided equally without complaint and the fun began. Another plus...the place was practically empty on a Tuesday afternoon...could I ask for more? Then the food came...I was sure that there would be meltdowns when I dragged the kids away from their precious games. And once again...no meltdowns. I asked myself...is this for real? Both kids ate like champs...even the grapes and oranges (I always try to force them to eat something relatively healthy even when we eat out). I was so proud. Now...Ive never made it out of this place without some kind of horrendous screaming meltdown from someone so I thought for sure it would come when the tokens ran out. But once again...they happily turned in their tickets and tallied up their points. Unfortunately we only had a grand total of 156 tickets. If you know Chuck E Cheese you know that will get you next to nothing. So...here is where I was sure the screaming would begin. But miraculously all Jackson wanted was a small 10 point package of smarties leaving Jill the remaining points. We left all smiles...no complaints...and no meltdowns. This was truly a small miracle. Here are some pics of our fun. 

Layla and her favorite ride

Jill squeezed into this ride with Jack

Jack Jill and Chuck E

Layla and Chuck E

I am thankful for this fun meltdown free day. I love being a mom and seeing joy on my kids faces. I swear they really were happy even though I can never catch them smiling on camera. Ill miss Jill now that shes going back to school. But we will always have next summer and by then we'll have the new addition to join in on the fun chaos and meltdowns :)

Sunday is a day of peace RIGHT?!?

I was raised to believe that Sunday was supposed to be a day of rest and peace.  Happy families hold hands and their children reverently sit through all three hours of church...that's right....all THREE hours. Anyway...its supposed to be a peaceful day full of happy family time naps and spiritual enlightenment.  Yeah right....

Every morning it's the same thing. We wake up late...we rush through the motions of getting everyone ready which ends up making me anxious and then it never fails that there is at least one major argument about something incredibly stupid before we make it out the door to church....there goes peaceful right there.  Then we get to church...I look around at all of the families of perfectly dressed children sitting with arms folded next to their equally coiffed parents. And then I look down at my dress that already has the kids breakfast all over my left shoulder...Jacks un-tucked shirt...and Layla's bare feet and messy face (I sware I cleaned it) and all I can do is sigh.  It gets very quiet as the first speaker begins his/her talk...and then it happens. Jack takes Layla's cup or Layla grabs Jacks crayon...and the blood curdling screams begin. I'm sure everyone is thinking...oh there's the Pfeffer kids...lovely. Our goal is to make it past sacrament (i.e. just the bread and water...not even the speakers) before meltdowns begin.  Believe me this is a lofty goal.  Today was no different. As if on cue as soon the water passed our row it began...I don't even know what set if off this time but Layla began to scream....the looks from those around us started...and Jason swiftly swung her under one arm and practically football ran her out of the chapel.  At last...for me...peace. 


I have asked myself on countless times why do we even bother? We never make it through the meetings without meltdowns and 90% of the time I cant tell you what any of the speakers said.  Well today even though I missed half of what was said...I was truly able to feel peace. During the opening song we sang Did You Think To Pray.  Ive sang this song many many times before, but today it brought me to tears. I truly believe every word of this song.  And I felt for a small moment, between all the chaos, that perfect peace that shows us how much our Heavenly Father loves us.  Church today was worth that small moment of peace and I am so thankful for it. And even though I question why we bother...it is those moments of peace that confirm to me why I get up early every Sunday morning and take my hyper playful little children to a three hour church meeting. Because I know someday they will feel those feelings of peace too...and that is a gift only God can give.


Life with small children is in one word chaos.  But in between all the crying, tears, and meltdowns...there are many small moments of peace if I just take time to notice.  I hope this is something that I can teach my children...to slow down and take time to feel peace between the worlds chaos.  

Here is a link to the Mormon tabernacle choir singing Did You Think To Pray. May it bring anyone who reads this simple blog a small moment of peace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgQoZG_J_qc