Surgery

My sweet Ella Rose had surgery this Thursday.  Ever since she was a tiny little thing she has had issues with her ears.  She got her first round of tubes at 9 months...the earliest the ENT would allow it.   All of my kids, except for Sawyer, have been through this. And just like the others...I assumed that Ella would be fine after that first set of tubes. Boy was I wrong...

About a month ago we were at her ENT's office for a regular follow up to check on her tubes.  Tubes usually last about 1-2 years and Ella was right at that point. Her doctor took one look in her ears and told me they were horribly infected and that the tubes were gone so she would need surgery for another round of tubes and this time an adenoidectomy as well, requiring general anesthesia.  The surgery itself didnt bother me, but I felt terrible that I had no idea she had this infection.  She never had a fever...never complained...never had any issues that would give me a clue that she was in pain.  I still felt terrible because I felt like as her mother I just should have known.

The doctor gave her an antibiotic but of course...like all my kids...she couldnt handle it. We were up all night while she projectile vomited over and over after just two doses. So...the plan was just to stop the antibiotic and wait for surgery.

So this Thursday at 0600 we showed up at the Carmel Surgery Center for hopefully her last surgery.

Silly girl showing off her fancy hospital bracelet

Not sure about Jason's face here...but Ella looks cute

Right before they wheeled her away

She was so brave. She let the nurse roll her away and didnt shed a single tear. I however cried silently to myself. I was worried about her being intubated...being under general anesthesia...and just typical mommy worries of if she was scared or wondered where we went.

The surgery last a whole 30 minutes but felt much longer.  We got taken to the consult room and Dr. Ball met with us to tell us the surgery went great. BUT...she noticed during the intubation that Ella has what she called velopharyngeal insufficiency. Basically Ella has a small cleft palate and a biforcated uvula.  She has had this since birth but it was never diagnosed.  This sounds much worse than it is...but I was frustrated because I knew something was wrong and no one listened to me.

When she was born every time she ate, her formula would come out her nose.  And she never could figure out how to breastfeed...she would make this really bizarre clicking noise with her tongue when she did eat.   I asked her pediatrician over and over about her constantly having formula come out her nose...but was reassured that was okay.

She is okay...but I knew there was a bigger issue going on and no one listened.  The worst thing this velopharyngeal insufficiency can do is cause a speech impediment.  If this happens she will need a consult with a plastic surgeon to fix it. This actually was the good news...

The bad news...My baby girls poor ears are so messed up.  The doctor called her ear wax glue. Her old tubes were actually in but had been sealed off and blocked by this glue.  Great...

The doctor said that her tympanic membrane was collapsed inward and that the infection was so bad there is a risk for permanent hearing loss. And she will definately need another...so a third round of tubes after this second round falls out.

Ella in recovery before she woke up

I just feel so bad because I feel like I should have known sooner that she had this massive infection.  If she has permanent hearing loss I cant help but feel that it is partially my fault.  As a mom you never want your kids to be in pain. Her doctor said that she doesnt show signs of pain because this pain is a baseline she has felt her entire life.  I mean seriously??? Talk about a shot in the heart. My baby has been in pain her whole life and acts like she's not because its all she's ever known? That makes me so sad.

But she is a tough little cookie. Here she is dancing her little heart out only a few hours after coming home from the surgery.

Dont mind the lack of clothes...my kids hate wearing clothes at home
This is apparently a Pfeffer thing :)

She dances through her pain.  What a beautiful example she is to me. We all have pain...and trials...But how often do we really take the time to see how good we really have it despite the pain? No matter what we may be going through there is always a reason to be grateful...happy...and just let loose and dance.

Sawyer

I haven't been on here in a long time. My pregnancy with Sawyer was so difficult and the birth and recovery weren't much easier.  And honestly...I haven't been able to sit down and write about it. I had a very hard post partum adjustment after he was born. If I had been honest with myself I would have gotten on some medication...but I lied to myself and told myself I was fine. Thankfully I am fine now and finally...after 7 months since he has been born...I am ready to tell his birth story.

My pregnancy with Sawyer was unexpected.  It took me a solid 3-4 months to finally feel happy about his pregnancy. It was right about the time I had accepted the pregnancy that I started getting sick.  The issues I had with that pregnancy were scary and that combined with the stress of having three kids, being in grad school and working full time was the combination for a perfect storm of depression and anxiety.  On top of that...Jason had started a new medication for his ADHD called Vyvanse that literally changed his personality.  It made him incapable of showing me any support or concern for what I was going through. So as the pregnancy progressed...a void formed in our relationship and I became very angry and resentful.

By the time I hit 39 weeks I just wanted him out.  I wanted my body back and I wanted to feel normal again. And I had convinced myself that the strange migraines I was having would stop once he was born. At this point they were happening a least once a week.  Plus...I had been forced to stay home from work for the last 3 months and I was going crazy.  Working would have been easier than staying home with the kids day in and day out. Anyway...here I am morning of delivery

I felt so huge...so uncomfortable...and so ready to meet this baby and be healthy again.  We got to the hospital at 6am and got stripped down...poked...prodded...and all ready for baby.  I kept trying to be as excited as I was for the others but I just couldn't. Watching it back on video is actually depressing. Jason and I are so detached and I look so unhappy. It makes me sad.  

Just like all of the others...they broke my water and at exactly 2pm that afternoon Jason Sawyer Pfeffer was born weighing 8lbs3oz and 21.5 inches long (I think).  In all the depression and craziness I didn't keep track of his stats.  And sadly...the only pictures I have of the whole thing are the ones I am about to post....

Sawyer is a clone of his daddy...only really pale with blond hair and hazel eyes

My sweet boy. 

This smile took a lot

Day one with Sawyer

The whole experience was surreal.  Jason's mom was there taking inappropriate crotch shots and I had no power to stop it. Jason was focused on everything but me to the point where I had to actually smack him mid labor and tell him to put my leg back in the stirrup thing because the baby was born and he still had my leg hiked up to my chest (Its on the video).  

Sawyer was perfect...pink and so bald. I fell so in love with him and it made the other feelings go away for a little while.  Until Day one.  That whole first day in the hospital was so draining.  I was alone a lot.  I don't even remember where Jason was.  That picture of me holding him...I was trying so hard not to cry...

Then that night....all Jason would talk about is how gross the birth was.  That's all I can say about it because his descriptions humiliated me and to this day I'm still ashamed of the whole experience.  I cried myself to sleep that first night in the hospital.

When we got home. Jason went right back to work. Jason's mom was here but was less than helpful despite her efforts. Not a single person from church called or made us a home cooked meal as is the Mormon cultural custom.  Then...cherry on top of the cake...the migraines kept coming. I ended up having a massive mental breakdown. I'm talking locked in the bathroom crying my eyes out wondering how I am going to survive this meltdown. And I had no one...

I finally got up off of that bathroom floor and made a few key decisions for myself...

1. I was not going to breastfeed because I just couldn't. Not with Ella attacking me every time I tried and not with the depression and pain I was feeling.  Breastfeeding him actually made me feel resentment to the baby and stopping was the best choice for my sanity. 

2. Brenda had to go.  I love my mother in law...but knowing I needed help and getting none and having her there just sitting there...I felt like she was just another person I had to take care of and I could barely take care of myself. Sorry Brenda.  

3.  I had to get Jason off of that medication. It was ruining him and our marriage. Finally... 

4. I had quit my job. Letting that go was so hard. My work as a pediatric nurse was part of my identity. I loved my job and I still get sad thinking about what I gave up.  But I couldn't do it all.  And while I mourned that loss alone...I knew it was right for my family. 

Once I made those choices and decided to just do what I felt was best for me, things slowly got better. But...it has taken the first 7 months of Sawyers life to fully adjust.  I feel guilt and regret about this. Sawyer is my last baby...and most of my memories of his birth are negative and entangled with regret.  But I love him and I do not regret him.  

Life is hard.  My marriage took a hit through all of this...but we are better now and I feel that we both learned a lot about ourselves and each other through this experience.  I found a good neurologist that really listened to me and thankfully has me on a medication that since starting I haven't had a single migraine/episode.  I have fully accepted not working and have adjusted to this new life.  Nothing about it has been easy, but it has been worth it. Sawyer is a blessing and I thank God for him.  

Pregnancy....is it done yet????

Since this is my final pregnancy you would think I would be documenting it a lot more. Yeah...I pretty much suck at the whole sentimental saving things and keeping track of life's big moments. I know I will regret this later. I think some of the chaos of my childhood has made me less prone to holding on to things and more just focused on getting through and moving on.  Anyway...I had a rare moment of peace with nothing to do today so I thought Id do a little update on how things are going with this pregnancy.

 Here is the little monster. I am convinced this baby is trying to suck the life out of me. It has been the hardest pregnancy by far that I have ever had. He would not cooperate and let us get a cute profile pic so all we have is this creepy skull face pic with his hand up by his face.  The profile picture was always reassuring that the baby looked normal and now I don't have that...thanks little dude.

Here are his man parts.  The reaction of my boys was priceless. Jason immediately grabbed his phone and started calling everyone. Sorry to all the California family....it was 6am their time when this happened.  Jackson started jumping up and down and screaming, "I have a brother I have a brother!!" I cried with relief...because now we are done. Jason has his boy...Jack has his brother...all is right in the world.

This is me at 20 weeks. I thought I was so dang huge....I was so stupid. I am huge now. And I know I am huge now because people are shocked when I tell them Im not due until April. I still felt really good at this point. It was shortly after 20 weeks that all my issues started. 

Check out this "POP". This is 24 weeks. I swear.  Now...look at 20 weeks...and look at this pic. OMG!! Maybe this really quick growth spurt is what started all my problems because it was right around this time I started having these awesome headaches where I lose vision, go numb, and literally cant think straight. One was so bad I didn't know who Jason was. Another time...I couldn't figure out how to check my email...another time...I couldn't read a childrens book to the kids. Its really messed up.



This was about 25-26 weeks. I had seen a doctor at this point and had 1 MRI. I keep getting told everything is normal. This is incredibly frustrating because not being able to think straight...see...and going numb is not normal. I have a referral out to a neurologist...the little turd cant see me until Feb. 24th. 

After one bad episode I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and Layla climbed up next to me and lifted up my shirt. She put her tiny hand on my belly and felt her brother kick for the first time. That moment gave me hope and reassured me that this will all be worth it in the end. 

28 weeks...headaches or whatever the heck it is that is happening are happening more and more frequently. Three last week...and I can no longer work. Awesome.  Second MRI again was normal. Neurologist is still blowing me off. I have tried so many meds and nothing works. BUT let me tell you...IV Bendaryl with IV Phenegran combined are pretty awesome. Too bad it didn't help the headache or seizure or whatever it is.  Beyond frustrated at this point.

Today...almost 30 weeks. Feeling and looking gigantic. Do not tell me I am not...because really folks...this is ridiculous.  Havent had a headache since Wednesday....feeling anxious because that just means one is due and I never have any warning before they hit.  I have to redo my glucola test Monday because the experimental prednisone they put me on...that didn't work...shot my blood sugar up to 212.  Lovely.

Again today....HUGE...I am scared what I will look like in 9 more weeks...the earliest my doctor will induce.  I am off work indefinitely...which is really hard for me. I feel myself sliding into negativity and I experience daily anxiety regarding finances...my health...the babies health. Work is my distraction...my escape...and its been taken from me. And the ironic thing is that the work at home with the kids...10x harder.  Thankfully I have very kind people in my life that have been coming and helping with the house and kids. I will forever be grateful for that...even if it makes me feel inadequate...

 

I have guilt every day because my kids spend too much time in front of the TV and I cant be the mom I want to be to them right now.

My little TV zombies.  This whole thing is not fair to them. Jason says they wont remember any of this...I know he's right...but man....

And then there's this one

She is starting her terrible two's early. I love to see her independence coming out and I love hearing her become more vocal. But...it is such a challenge at times.  I pray daily for God to give me the patience I need to be a good mommy to her.

 

So...this pregnancy...has been hard...and I have a long road still to go. But through it I have seen blessings and felt humbled by the people around me that show me endless support.  Everything good in my life has been worth fighting for and this is no different. I will get through this for this little man.  In the mean time...if anyone has any clues as to what is going on with me...please....Ill take any advice at this point.  Its scary.  And I need to be healthy for me kids.

 

Oh also....Jason and I...since this is THE LAST BABY...want to send out an open invitation to all his family to come out for the birth.  It would mean the world to him. He's supposed to talk to you all about it...but you know he is :) And please pray that the rest of this pregnancy goes quickly for my sanity and my little families.







Lemons and Lemonade

When life gives you lemons...you make lemonade right?  I struggle with this. My lemonade is always a little on the sour side.  I tend to see a lot more lemons in a situation than I do scoops of sugar.

Recently...my life has been full of what seems to be a lot of lemons and I have been trying desperately to make myself some lemonade...but it is still turning out too sour. 

Big news...we are expecting.

What???  Holy crap!! This is crazy!! Is she insane??? (is that what's running through your head? It's what ran through mine for a brief moment when I first found out)

This should be some pretty sweet lemonade...but it has taken some effort to get there.  Personally, once I push aside all of the worries about time and money, I am really happy about this.  What has been hard are peoples reactions. Maybe these people are stealing my sugar and that's why my lemonade has been so sour.

This was something that wasn't particularly planned...so it has obviously taken some adjustment. I have hesitated to even announce it, but considering this is our 4th baby....6th pregnancy...Im starting to have a hard time keeping it a secret physically. 

10 weeks...Im going to be huge when this is over

So...there it is. Our fourth...and final...baby is due April 16th.

Emersyn or Sawyer...we find out November 21st

What I'm loving are peoples reactions. Only a small handful of people that know have had positive reactions to this news. Thank you for those who have been happy for us and supportive.  Most people...and obviously these are supposed to be my close family/friends because I am just now going "public" with this...have been anything but.  Mostly it's not directly negative...just a lot of silence or stares and the occasional WOW. It just makes me sad that very rarely are people happy.

Believe me this has taken some adjustment on my part, but I can't change it.  I can't make the baby disappear...and I really want this to be a super sweet glass of lemonade moment in  my life...especially since this is the LAST ONE.  I always knew I wanted one more...and this may be sooner than I thought it would be...but I need to be able to be happy about this.  I need to be able to share this news without people judging me. Just be happy for us.  I want to savor every moment of this pregnancy good and bad because it is the last time I will experience this miracle.

I will finish school...I can take care of every single one of my kids...I will be happy...thank you all who voiced concerns about these aspects of my life.  And you better bet my lemonade is going to be sweet. Even if those people in Walmart with all the unwelcome advice look at me with all of my kids and shake their heads.  It may seem crazy...but this is a blessing that started out as lemons but is now my lemonade and I'd like to share it with the people in my life I care about without feeling nervous and anxious about their reactions. 

I am proud of my little family. I know that having that many kids so young in age will be a challenge. But I am up for it and I can handle it.  I just can't handle rude people :) So cheers to this new challenge. I know it will have its sour moments but that's motherhood. Full of sour moments...but the sweet...oh man...there is nothing else like it in this world.